Tomorrow, I'll be starting my lesson for DRIVING. It's the theory lesson first, and after that the practical. Let's pray that I can pass the theory paper, after 4 lessons.
"Time Alone"
That is something I developed after entering poly, more time alone than socialising. I'm not even sure if that's because people are tired to deal with, or I have matured pftt. To start off, I realised it when a group of people asked me out, have fun or sort, and my immediate thought was "I'm not even close to you guys, I rather stay home". And after that I jolted to "Since when did I not anticipate socialising". I'm not a popular person, and I guess that's why if people call me out or smth, I'll agree almost immediately if there is nothing on that day. In the past, though it's just only a year back lol.
Now, when people asked me out, I would cringed internally. Then I'll make up whatever legit reason I can to avoid the meet-up. I don't hate them, or dislike, them. They are great people. Some even respectable. I even like most them. To sort out my thoughts, I'll dedicate this to a specific groups of people. Note: Groups. GroupS.
Why stopped yourself?
Being left out inside a clique.
When I have nothing else to say, I'll sit there to listen, and eventually when I wanted to say something, more people will express the same thought, so I'm like invisible since there are tons of people making the same comment. At the same time, when I literally have nothing to say. That means I'll stay outside the conversation until something I know comes in. And during the moment when I stay silent, I don't know what to do. I like listening, but eventually, you'll find out that they are not trying to include you inside the conversation. And this sucks. It's true that there are times where I'm "choosing to be left out", but if it's something that I can join in, I really want my thoughts to be heard.
Trying to too hard
I'll have to think up questions when the situation is awkward. There is bound to be a time when you're stuck alone with this person you're not close with, and he/she is not even trying to make the conversation. I, not all the time, is forced to make the conversation and sometimes I don't even know what to ask. "You have a choice to stay silent like that person, no one is forcing you." I KNOW. And if everyone thinks that way, then this will be an awkward world. Some are fine with being silent, the "in a moment" thing, but I'm not. I would appreciate it a lot if people ask me questions, for this mean they make an effort to even try. And because I liked it if people make an effort, I would do the same to ask them too. That is how you MAKE friends. We are not close, I get it, but at least make an effort to be interested, especially when you are ALONE with someone. I would asked and you would answer, that's that. I'm trying to hard to please you when you're not even trying. Even to people that I've known for so long. I'm NOT that boring.
I genuinely like the people whom I'm going out with
This is simple enough to understand. The number of people I genuinely like is only 3, that number look pathetic. This meant that if they were to call me out, on the day itself even, I'll be like "Leggo" if I have nothing planned. And if we were to go out, it'll be one to one, or in a small group. There won't be any difference going in a big group with like 6-8 people, and then separating into smaller clique inside the huge number. So I rather we both, or three, just hang out. "The more the merrier" only applies to situation needed, like a celebration for example. But If one really wanted a bonding session, having a small clique is actually better. Wait, back to the point, or to summarise, I like having that particular companion to talk to, so for that person, I don't mind hanging out. In fact I'll be excited to hang out. I don't even mind joining a bunch of people I have absolutely no interest in. Well, not all the time. And the occasional time that I did, I would usually cursed myself for making the wrong decision. But I was willing to do it again in the future so, hey, I'm a pretty good friend. Ha. Ha.
Guess that's pretty much all on the pros and cons list.
But, in the end..
I enjoy what I'm doing alone
To perverts, they'll think 'omg fap'. But no. The fact is, I'm more comfortable hanging out in front of my computer, reading manga, staring out the window, playing spy, pretending to be an awesome dancer, singer, actor and.... well, many more to come. Oh shit corny. I just like being in my own thoughts and world, where I can think about everything and anything. I like thinking about the worst case scenario and acting out what I would do in my head. I like the little knick-knacks sitting in my space; The smell of this green tea scent thing on my table; The music playing when I'm stoning in the library; The silence itself in a classroom. Alone. In a solitude environment. How peaceful.
Here's another round of "I'll end it here".
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