Too bad for me

"Don't blame people for disappointing you, blame yourself for expecting too much from them."

Apparently I'm too much to handle when never in my life have I been too much under my parents. Where should we differentiate this line? I guess I finally figured out that the party who cares more gets disappointed more.

My fate with events and people

When I was young (INSERT FLASHBACK DANGDANG) I've been told by a shifu that my life will always have gui rens, as my yuan (fate) with people is good. In short, I have a smooth course with people at the right time and place. Thus, my timeline of people and events will always align.

So I thought, alrighty then let's put this make-believe to the test.

In my early secondary, my math and science was failing pretty badly that my mum was considering on a tutor. When out of the blue my cousin introduced his owns, that there I am having a tutor that helped me score B3 for eMath and A2 for Physics from failing.

During both my poly and university course selection, there is always a close senior that tells me about their own courses that I thought okay and thus, my education life is sealed. I would deem it as a fate-route cause I had no idea what I wanted to study so this got me some where. I never pondered to the extent of stressing out what to do in life.

When my friends can't make it to a child-mentoring session and I was supposed to be alone, it was cancelled. So was a community run due to rain, cca session and even lessons in school.

I wanted to travel to Korea, and 2 groups of friends at the same time are available to go that I WENT TWICE. Best decision ever made.

Last year I prayed for a bf, and I got a legit one this year (WTS LOL)

And today, sf and I were planning to meet tomorrow to fix her eyelash extensions, but it's cancelled as she has last minute Japan stuffs to settle. Coincidentally my fam is going JB for a day trip and I CAN GO WEEEE. This was planned since last week but I forgot, and it's wrong to cancel the meeting I agreed upon BUT HEY LOOK THE OTHER PARTY CANCELLED IT FOR ME.

You can say it's pure luck but I would deem it as fate.

Maybe not 100% of the time but more times enough to think maybe I really am bestowed upon this fortune regarding people and events. If so, I thank whoever that created or noticed such superstition with the stars and moon.

TILL THE NEXT UPDATE.

Till the next term

It's my 2-week term break now which means another update!

Not. I have nothing to do while waiting for my maple character to finish leeching off the party for exp (YES I HAVE TO CAUSE ILL DIE IF I ALLOW IT TO AUTOPLAY), thus here I am to this non-existence world to update my life!

SF and I are planning to do eyebrow embroidery/eyelash extension next week, just the eyebrows for me, so hopefully I got stuffs planned out before that - else I'll be looking like a cartoon character with thick brows after the session, Crayon Shinchan much.

Going to vivo tomorrow to view the famous TsumTsum exhibition and Marvel sand sculptures if fate allows so weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

//
I feel like I've reached this point in life where I'll just accept whatever that happens. Although to be fair I've always lived my life with this motto but this is like an all-time high. If the world were to end tomorrow, I'll just accept the fact and continue, while watching the whole world break down and wonder why.

It's not something that can be controlled and if it did, the only reasons I can find people being sad if the world ends tomorrow, is that whatever they've been building for the future is gone. Or that they have stuffs that want to accomplish but are unable to do so. If that's the case, do I have none of both?

Does it mean I haven't been anticipating my future and that I have already completed what I wanted to do?

Yes.

I won't say I'm not anticipating my future, more like I don't think that far, so I have nothing planned #SMARTMENOT.

But if you're sad over stuffs that you want to complete but never did, it means you've been given the opportunity to ay? To fix whatever that needs fixing, and you can do it in the now, in present time, but you didn't.

So why are you sad over the fact that you could have done it, when you should have at that very point in time? It makes no sense. This meant guilt, remorse and regrets. And you're sad because you didn't get the chance to correct these ominous burden in your heart before the world ends tomorrow when you can do it today.

THIS ARE SHIT EXCUSES. Sure it's hard to face them, "Oh you won't know cause it's not your way of dealing with it". No. Disappointingly, news flash, it doesn't work this way NO MATTER HOW CAREFREE ONE IS. When dealing with regrets I deal with it immediately, cause I hate the feeling of remorse and sleeping knowing the fact that I'm going to deal with it again tomorrow.

Avoiding it and prolonging it doesn't solve the root cause AT ALL. Isn't tackling it the easiest? You can take your time hey no one is forcing you but taking too long, I would deemed it as 'cowardly'.

//I'm lazyyyy, was playing Maple while writing this so I'm distracted, hopefully I can continue this in the future. More or less what I'm trying to say is no one should feel like they have something undone when the world ends tomorrow, asides from wanting to say goodbye one last time. I think that's pretty reasonable.

Till the next update BYE.

Officially a Year 2 Student???

Wow wow this place is rusty, mainly due to my school holidays being so preoccupied with da boi. Regardlesss, here's a quick update: School started.

WHAT?

That's right. Where has the 2 months gone to? Playing, sleeping, eating and partying like no tomorrow (in my dreams) like WHAAAAAAAT?

THERE GOES MY HOLIDAY AND NOW I'M A YEAR 2 UNI STUDENT??? Does this officially mean I have 3 more years to go? This feel surreal. I've already forgotten the feeling of studying that the first day of school is like me returning home - the familiar smell of hallways and classroom, the cleaners minding their own business and me face-booking during lesson.

Speaking of Facebook, there seem to be a huge saga revolving around it now that I don't understand? So what if he loses a few billions, he is still a billionaire. But ah wells, politics is never my forte but, I love watching drama, esp since it doesn't involve me. Does it make sense?

Now back to rants. Hm I'm currently addicted to Maple M, it's fun. I have a new chair cushion that is so bulky that I removed it and now it's me bag holder. Hm and I went to the Singapore Garden Festival yesterday at Gardens by the Bay with the gals in the early afternoon, Istana with babe in the late afternoon, and dinner with the fam in the evening.

Ahhhh will I ever miss such simple moments that is deemed not really during the moment it happened.

I will.

May school be smooth, happy and fulfilling. And may life be forever this kind to the universe I owned. HAPPY YEAR 2 AHEAD.

How does a brain work?

It's amazing to know that what I don't know a few days ago, is everything I know now because of a sense of urgency. GET IT GET IT?

LIKE the finals is tomorrow, and I've been trying to understand this terminology since last week but I can never seem to grasp the entire picture of it - UNTIL NOW. How does my brain automatically absorb such information only when the time is due for it to remember. WHY DOESN'T IT WORK LAST WEEK?

Am I not trying to understand it at all cause I'm sure I did? HOW DOES IT WORK?

Questions after questions but I'm glad I understand it now.

BYE.

People Change

I wonder at what age do we really define that we've changed?

It's unexpected and undecided really, depending on where we are currently standing in life. I have people my age getting married, and then there's people asking for permission to go out late, and then there's me - somewhere in between having a decent amount of freedom of speech, surviving university and living the best times of my life. AND I'M ONLY 22.

The thing is, we can never really define we've changed ourselves, until we realize our people have isn't it? 

The moment when we realized old conversations of the same things no longer brings a spark, or a chuckle, to daily exchanges. The moment when we realized that what we thought is funny, is no longer so when we bring it up to the rest of the world. The moment when you realized that the similar interests the world once had with you, is gone.

That is when you realized, that it's either the world has changed while you stayed, or you did.

No, it's not wrong. It never was as change is inevitable. People change, for the better or worst, that's for you to judge based on your perspective of what's right and wrong. 

And we can't stop it. We don't have to. Our job is to accept that things can no longer go back to the past and move on. And there is no need to as well, change in person is ultimately growth isn't it?

We change with the environment that eventually, it'll changed our thinking and perspective of things that works all around the world. I would deemed it growing.

I know.

I know cause I was enlightened about how big the world is during internship, and I found out that I didn't know that I was behind time, in a sense, although dependent on how you define your set of time. Mine was going with the crowd that I thought I had always followed, but in the end I guess I was too in my comfort circle to realize that I'm not. DO I MAKE SENSE?

Regardless, to move on and grow, you got to embrace the fact that the only thing you can do now, to save whatever you want to save, is to change yourself, or be strong in staying the same while others change.

Cause the world can try to change your mind, but they can't break you if you don't allow it to. Accept it or leave it.

//

I guess that's all for now, got distracted halfway with the friend's quiz that is OH SO FUN WEW.

Till the next time~~

Study date

Update update studying in CoffeeBean with Fel today like wow I can't believe in 3 weeks time IM FREE FROM SCHOOOOOL.

For at least 1 and a half month that is.

Kk back to studying.

Wow first stress in uni

QUICK UPDATE ABOUT LIFE

Assignments, assignments and more assignments.

My stress level is either a 0 or 100, there's no in between. One moment I'm confident about the assignment completion and the other with my mind calculating the time I have left and it concluded that there's no time left. I CANNOT.

//
Omo while updating this, someone on Carousell asked about the star war cushion PLEASE BUY IT. MY FAM HAVE TOO MANY PILLOW TO FILL THE COUCH that once I reached home, I informed them that 'I'm gonna sell this' and that is not asking, it's informing.

//
Okay back to stress. It pushed me to the extent that I wonder if university is the right path. Although, okay to be fair, this thought came to my mind when I was at the peak of my stress which I blamed the coffees since I'm not usually a coffee-intake person, but I drank too much that day. The caffeine + adrenaline + dizzy bus ride + failing a 14% test + hardworking peers add on to so much that day that I wasn't in the right state of mind. IT WAS CHAOS I SWEAR.

Thoughts kept running through my mind, from escaping reality to thinking about life if I quit school to thinking how I could survive 3 more years of this stress, even though it's not all the time.

I'm worried. I don't worry about retaining another year if I failed, I worry about whether schooling is a good investment. Is getting a degree worth it? Can I not survive in the workforce without a degree? What if I wasted 4 years of studying this course, but I end up in some job totally unrelated? WHICH MAKES MY DEGREE USELESS. I DON'T WANT IT TO BE USELESS. This meant wasting money, time and effort for 4 years but it turns out to be useless.

Would life give me a sign? I NEED TO KNOW.

Anyways, this thoughts shall be tucked away in my brain somewhere, where it would re-surface again when stress is ignited - to again remind myself why did I enter university LOL.

//
BACK TO THE HAPPY STUFFS IN LIFE.

Collected the star war run race pack today, with the actual run on 5th May. How exciting wew isit I can get a chance to lose weight before gaining it all back while studying? There there nice try convincing yourself there.

This should be the end of ranting for now. Here's to my boi jy for reminding me to update this place.

To end this off, may school life be good to me although generally life is already pretty good to me. LEMME PASS THIS SEM, OR LEMME FAIL LIKE 3 PAPERS AFTER DOING MY BEST TO TELL ME WHERE I SHOULD GO IN LIFE.

To be or not to be

Now now lemme update this forum once again as I am too laze to continue my report on cultural practice and yada yada so on.

Updated
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LOL jokes.

I'm too bored to continue as my mind is in a blank. That's what you get for being a person that waits for random energy spikes to write a report. Regardless now that I've reached this state of stoneness I might as well rant on what I ranted today. I really really wanna try to be an air stewardess. For now. I wanna travel the world. I wanna see everywhere. To explore and conquer my imaginations of places I've only see in pictures.

But then again, I have so much to leave behind. To be one, not only will my time be affected based on my sleeping schedule, but also the time to meet people. From families to friends to baes.

But then, air stewardess.

But my people.

Mans why can't life give me the best of both worlds?

Or have I already gotten it?

Godaaaamnit questions after questions that will be left unanswered. FYI I still do love life though, and maybe that's why, sometimes, I take too much for granted.

Where do I begin

'Cause I'm sick of losing soulmates, so where do we begin I can finally see, you're as fucked up as me So how do we win?

-Dodie

SO OBSESSED WITH HER RIGHT NOW??? HER SONGS ARE EVERYTHING.

//

"We're not bruised They're just party tattoos. And that colourful mess Is just colorful regret. Black lipstick will never be a sin. We'll regret it when we're old with wrinkled up skin"

//

"I've got a secret for the mad in a little bit of time it won't hurt so bad and I get that I don't get it you will burn right now but then you won't regret it"

//
Time after time

Questions

Well, school starts tomorrow and hey I don’t feel like school is starting.

Anyways the MAIN RANT FOR TODAY.

Honestly where do I stand in people’s lives? Like honestly.
It’s so hard to gauge whether you should care for someone as a friend, family or gender (female in my case) cause I’ll never know where I stand?

Okay probably 90 percent of the time we’ll know it. A Friend. A family.

But goddamnit IM SO LOST. Everyone has a chapter of their story untold and those are stories we shouldn’t pry. A chapter of their life that they don’t want to be revealed. I understand. I do. Cause I have them too despite how great my life is, and I don’t want people to pry either. There’s this solemn understanding and mannerism between people that you’ll know when to stop prying.

BUT NOW THAT IM HERE I CANT HELP TO WANT TO KNOW?

WHY? CAUSE I CARE.

IS IT RELATED TO YOU? MAYBE AND MAYBE THATS THE REASON I CARE.

WILL IT HURT YOU? NO?

WILL IT HURT THE OTHER PARTY? PROB NO?

IS IT FOR THE SAKE OF THE OTHER PARTY OR FOR YOUR OWN CURIOSITY?

NOW THAT. That is the reason I stopped prying? Cause I realised in the end regardless or not whether it’s related to me, the reason why I want to know is really to get closure. But what am I gonna do once I get the answer? I Guess we’re in this situation cause neither of us know where we stand in each other’s lives. If that’s the case, the person that will break that question first, will be where the closure be?

WORRIED AND CONFLICTED.

And worst of all, these are all emotions the other party is feeling but IM FEELIN IT TOO. I just can’t don’t care about it aye. Aye?

HELLO 2018

How can I not blog on such a day? IT'S 2018 HAPPY NEW YEAR PEOPLE!

Again, I can't believe 2017 is over I'm already missing it omg. If people ask me when is the best time of my life it's definitely gonna be last year cause wew, so much feels.

ANWS MOVING ON IN LIFE. Any resolutions for the year? Hmm.

No.

Not now.

I make resolutions almost every year actually as back then, it was a factor I feel makes me motivated for the year. Like last year, my resolutions was to drive at least 3 times (I still remember fresh in my head), make it to uni, and (WHEN THE YEAR PASSED I was still in internship and pretty darn sad that it was ending and all my friends would leave so) everlasting friendship.

SPEAKING OF WHICH, I remembered feeling so down when intern ending on 3 Feb as I was convinced that the guys won't contact anymore due to NS. BUT LOOK AT WE NOWWWWW. All dem Korea memories, dramas, girls and shits dealing with alcohol BAD INFLUENCE GUYS.

Okay so I figured resolutions are no longer my motivations for the year, or maybe because I have no wishes right now, so ain't gonna try making one.

BUT TO 2018 here's for you. May all whom matters find their place in life based on happiness, success and wealth (CLICHÈ SHYT I KNOW) and sincerely may our relationship stay the same and beyond infinity cause I can’t bear to lose anyone.

Also to love and friendship in 2018 for those whom crave for it (ME ME HAHHAHA) and to every good opportunities that'll be given and may it be a peaceful and fruitful year for everyone (that I care, cause idc about anyone else that are not my people or related to them.)

Here's to 2018. Cheers!